“why can’t you be happy?”
I first asked myself this question as a sophomore in college. I was overworked. I had two jobs on campus and a double major: philosophy and theology. I was a college-athlete who spent every last bit of energy into perfecting my basketball skills, but never saw the floor. I was in a relationship with a kind and loving man, but I simply could not reciprocate the same feelings; though I tried. I wanted to be a pastor, but could not find any source of life in the frail, and angry American Church. So… I was unhappy. And the answer to that question was obvious: I am not happy because my life is miserable. But.. I lacked courage to do anything about it.
When you do not have courage, you make decisions based on necessity. Two years later I had my breakdown. I quit sports, I graduated early, ended my relationship and moved to London to work. I wish I could tell you that it all made sense. It did not. I was more confused and I felt like a total LOSER. I stripped my life down to the basics, and was now alone in London eating carrots by the furnace. Good carrots though, the ones with the stem. 🙂 But, basically, I could not imagine my life getting any better and I was extremely down on myself. But eventually I got tired of being depressed and once I decided to turn my life around. It took courage. It was often difficult, but I saw wonderful things take root in my space. I now ask myself more seriously, “What do I need to be happy?” and, “What kind of person do I want to be?”
Ever since we are young we are taught that as long as we take the right steps in the right way, we will get the right results. Do your homework, do well in school, get that great job, house, car. Be nice, gain friends, find a mate, spouse, blah blah. We know the narratives. But, we get to adulthood and realize no, it really is not that simple. In fact there is no right path or right narrative. You kinda have to figure it all out on your own, put in your best efforts and see where that leads. And yet, even in this knowing, we continue to play into the system, hoping the system will throw favor in our direction. That is our mistake…
… As long as you and I keep living by the rules, hoping we will prosper– we will continue to enslave ourselves to a narrative that we have not written, and characters whom we have barely claimed as our own. We must have courage to take our lives our of ruts of roads commonly traveled and make decisions for ourselves and our own lives. Do not be a coward, play with your proverbial snakes and ask yourself: What makes you unhappy? Why does it make you unhappy? And… what can you do about it? And then… take steps to change it.
My life has never been better since I opened myself up to a different way of being. The initial “starting over” was brutal, but sometimes we all need to do some weeding to allow ourselves to GROW.
Ask yourself these fundamental questions. They will kick-start your adventure….
They did mine…
Jeeves.